


Take the Bus, Visit the Circus

by clefairytea



Category: Psychonauts (Video Games)
Genre: Awkward Children Doing Their Best, Gen, Genderfluid!Raz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 21:11:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,411
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16605530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clefairytea/pseuds/clefairytea
Summary: Lili had never been to the circus before.In all honesty, she’d never seen the appeal. They were noisy, smelly, and messy. Clowns were just creepy, seeing those poor animals jumping through hoops was way too much like watching new cadets run Coach Oleander’s obstacle course, and cotton candy was sticky and gross and always got stuck in someone’s hair.Besides, her Dad didn’t like them. And who else would she go with?Then again, she’d never had a best friend who grew up in the circus before.--Lili visits Raz at the travelling cirus, and is surprised by how different her best friend's life is there.





	Take the Bus, Visit the Circus

Lili had never been to the circus before.

In all honesty, she’d never seen the appeal. They were noisy, smelly, and messy. Clowns were just creepy, seeing those poor animals jumping through hoops was way too much like watching new cadets run Coach Oleander’s obstacle course, and cotton candy was sticky and gross and always got stuck in someone’s hair.

Besides, her Dad didn’t like them. And who else would she go with?

Then again, she’d never had a best friend who grew up in the circus before.

It was sheer fortune that the circus the Aquatos worked with was passing nearby at the same time Raz’s eleventh birthday was coming up. Between school, and Psychonaut training, and the circus, Lili had barely seen Raz since the whole thing at the Rhombus of Ruin. After swallowing back the fear that it was going to be _super weird_ between them after so long, and convincing her Dad not to ‘chaperone’ (what did he think they were going to do!?), Lili hopped on the bus, clutching a pink 'Happy birthday' bag.

The circus wasn’t hard to spot. Turning the corner, she immediately saw the big top through the window - a towering, brightly coloured thing, strips of red and blue. A Ferris wheel towered behind it, slowly rotating and flashing bright colours. It was only midday, so she hoped there’d be nothing going on yet.

Walking into the muddy field, Lili realised she was sadly mistaken. Already, the circus was in total chaos. Families strolled about, eating cotton candy and munching apples coated in syrup. Stalls, boasting trinkets and souvenirs for the different families travelling with the circus, lined the grass between the tents, women shouting.

‘Little girl! Would you like a lovely pair of earrings to go with that pretty face of yours? Homemade!’

‘Trinkets and jewellery! Handcrafted by my lovely wife!’

‘Popcorn for sale! Popcorn and hot dogs for sale!’

‘Dad, Dad, can we got see the tigers next? Dad!’

‘Mom, what time is the show on? I want to see the acrobats!’

‘Is it true there are real _psychics_ at this circus? That’s a little scary…’

Lili’s head was throbbing already. Breathing in (and resisting the urge to set anyone or anything on fire, especially at that last comment), she charged towards the big top. Surely Raz was in there. Or at least someone who knew where he was.

A sign informed her the tent was closer to guests while the performers rehearsed. Some clown (literally) was keeping an eye out.

‘Hah, nice try,’ Lili muttered, and turned herself quickly invisible. Darting past the clown, she let herself into the tent.

She half-expected to enter to Raz soaring above her, doing some show-off-y crap on the trapeze and the tightrope and whatever other crazy stuff his Dad had him doing out here. To her surprise (and – if she was honest – disappointment), she couldn’t see him. There were acrobats darting about everywhere, and clowns, and elephants tromping slowly around. And everyone was wearing crazy, glittery outfits and make-up, the kind of stuff Lili couldn’t imagine Raz wearing in a billion years.

Someone backed up into Lili, knocking her to the floor with a smack. Her invisibility broke with a snap and a bark of pain.

‘Argh, watch where you’re –‘

The figure turned around and bent down to look at her.

’ **WELL HE-LLO LITTLE GIRL –‘** the clown bellowed.

Lili couldn’t help it. She shrieked, scrambling to escape the clown, who was now apologising profusely, trying to grab her, squirting water from the flower on his lapel with every lurch of his arms.

‘Lili!’ cried a voice. Lili looked up to see a familiar face pop up above the head of one of the elephants, odd-looking without his usual hat and goggles. With a flip, he slide down the elephant’s trunk and landed between Lili and the clown.

‘Not a fan of clowns?’ he asked, tilting his head to the side.

‘Raz, _nobody_ is a fan of clowns!’ Lili blurted out, scrambling to her feet, face flushing. The clown drooped with a noise like a deflating balloon.

‘No, no, Cousin Pesha, don’t worry – lots of people still like clowns! Plenty! Just…uh…less than –‘

Raz’s words fell on deaf ears. Cousin Pesha turned tail and ran, oversized shoes squeaking in time with his sobs.

Lili looked down the bag gripped in her hands. Great. Just great. She’d been here for five minutes and she’d already made a scene and made one of Raz’s family cry. Way to go, Zanotto.

Raz rubbed the back of his head, watching Cousin Pesha go with a grimace.

‘Jeez, he really need to consider a new career if he’s going to be like this all the time…’ he muttered to himself, before turning to look at Lili, expression brightening, ‘Hey so – I didn’t know you were coming!’

‘Uh, yeah, neither did I,’ she said, and then backtracked – that was a really dumb thing to say, ‘Until recently, anyway.’

It was only then that Lili took an actual look at Raz. Like, a real look.

As difficult as it had been to _imagine_ Raz in circus gear, it was totally different to _see_ him in it. She had been expecting some kind of minimalist version of his Psychonaut gear, but here he was in the same goofy stuff as everyone else. A stripy leotard, with straps over his shoulders, and…huh. A brown skirt over some poofy blue petticoats?

Weird, but, Lili supposed this _was_ his performance costume. If anything, it sort of nice. She couldn’t imagine _Bobby Zilch_ being comfortable enough in his own skin to wear a skirt, for instance.

‘Um, sooo…is that for me?’ Raz asked, gesturing at the bag.

‘Uh, yeah, well, your Campster profile let me know your birthday was coming up, and I just _happened_ to get a flyer through the door to let me know the circus was in town so…’ Lil said, shrugging, ‘I figured it was only polite to get you something.’

Lili did not like the look Raz was giving her.

‘Keep looking at me like that and my _polite gift_ is gonna end up somewhere you’re going to find really disagreeable, Raz,’ she warned him. His expression didn’t even twitch.

‘Yooou care about me enough to know my birthday,’ he sing-songed.

‘Urgh. This was a mistake,’ she said, turning, ‘I’m going home.’

‘No, no, Lili, wait I was kidding – Lili!’ Raz said, reaching out a hand. Lili felt a TK hand tug at the back of her dress and she slowed.

‘Sorry, Lili, I won’t tease, I promise,’ he said, fixing her with a puppy-dog stare that had felled stronger people than Lili before. Sasha Nein always advised the other Psychonauts to not look directly at it.

She sighed.

‘Well, I don’t believe you, but, here,’ she said, thrusting the bag into his hands.

‘Heheh, thanks Lili.’

‘ _Lili?_ ’ cooed a voice.

‘Oh no…’ Raz muttered.

From above, a figure dropped down between them, her back to Lili. She was gangly, dressed in similar clothes to Raz, with a lot of poofy red hair.

‘Where? Where is the _famous Lili?_ ’ the girl said, turning and then catching sigh of Lili.

Raz sighed, burying his face in his hands.

‘Lili, this is my big sister, Frazie. Frazie, Lili. Lili, Frazie, okey-dokie, you’ve both met, now let’s –‘

‘Well aren’t you adorable!’ Frazie said, dropping to her knees to grasp Lili’s face in her hands, ‘You know, Raz has _not_ shut up about you in the past year! All she ever talks about, honestly.’

‘Uh –‘ Lili said, finding that her high-school-level vocabulary failed in the face of high-school-level gossip. And – did she just hear that right?

‘HEY EVERYONE!’ Frazie screamed, standing up straight and waving, heedless of Raz‘s attempts to grab her with both his physical and TK hands, ‘ _Lili_ has come to visit! Raz’s Lili!’

‘Noooo…’ Raz moaned, as just about every other person in the tent began to rush over.

‘The Lili Zanotto?’

‘Oh, she _is_ just as pretty as Raz said!’

‘Do you think she’s as _mean_?’

‘Hello, darling, I’m Raz’s great-aunt-Daisy, so nice to meet you –‘

‘I’m her uncle Elias!’

‘Cousin Sylvester, over here! Hey, Lili, are Raz’s crazy stores about Whispering Rock really true? I’ve never believed a whiff of it myself!’

‘She tells some really tall tales sometimes – hey Raz, do you really expect us to believe you were accepted into the Psychonauts age _ten_? In _two days?_ ’

‘Guys!’ Raz shouted, face beetroot, ‘Stop crowding Lili, c’mon, you can all have a chance to talk to her later.’

He glowered up at Frazie, and muttered something in a language Lili didn’t understand, but was certain was extremely rude. Frazie stuck her tongue out.

‘Sorry, baby sis, you _know_ we’ve all been dying to meet her,’ she said, and okay, Lili definitely wasn’t hallucinating, there was definitely a lot of _she_ and _her_ and _sister_ happening here. Was everyone in character or something? Was this just some circus thing she didn’t get?

‘Well, now you have, so can you _nash avri_ ,’ he said, shoving at her, ‘Go. Skedaddle. Begone.’

‘Mmhmm, well, don’t mind me,,’ Frazie said, still clearly enjoying herself, ‘I gotta say though, Mom is totally going to lose her _mind_ when she realises she’s here.’

‘Lalala, not listening, go back to practice, I have a guuuest, bye,’ Raz said, grabbing Lili’s hand and dragging them both away, out of the big top.

‘I’m sorry about that. The Aquatos can be a little…uh. Well, they’re a lot,’ he said, as they squeezed through the crowds.

‘Don’t worry about it!’ she called over the crowds, ‘Uh, where are we going now?’

‘My room, I guess.’

‘You have a room?’ Lili blurted out.

‘…I don’t sleep with the elephants, Lili,’ he replied, rolling his eyes.

‘Well how am I meant to know how this stuff works!’ Lili said, having quite enough of _being wrong_ and _looking stupid_ for once day, especially in front of her boyfriend-maybe-best-friend-definitely, ‘I mean, why was everyone back there calling you –‘

‘Ah, Razputin!’ interrupted a deep voice. Raz sighed, closing his eyes for a moment before turning. Walking up to them by the row of carriages was Raz’s Dad, all cheery smiles.

‘Sneaking out of practice again?’ he called.

‘No, Dad, I –‘

‘Mr Aquato, hi,’ Lili said, waving. Mr Aquato startled, having been too focused on his son’s truancy to notice her.

‘Oh! Lili,’ he said, crouching down to speak to her, ‘What brings you to our humble circus for the day, little lady?’

‘Um. Well. I don’t live too far, and I know its Raz’s birthday soon…’ she said.

‘Ah, so you decided to bring my ne’er-do-well daughter a present,’ he said. Raz rolled his eyes.

‘I’m joking, honey, I know you’re a mostly-do-well,’ Augustus said, with a laugh, ‘But, really, Raz, did you bring Lili all the way here to play hooky?’

‘Daaad,’ Raz whined, ‘I’m not playing hooky. I didn’t know she was coming! And I can’t just ignore Lili while she’s here. She’s a _guest_. Didn’t you say Aquatos were famous for their hospitality?’

‘Oh, dear, that does sound like something I’d say, doesn’t it…’ he replied, stroking his beard.

‘…and hey, come to think about it. How come _you’re_ out here, instead of practicing with everyone?’ Raz continued, squinting up at his father.

‘Err…’

‘I can read your mind, Dad. I know you were hoping for a quick cigarette. For shame, father, for shame,’ Raz said, tutting, tone deeply solemn, ‘What will your wife think?’

‘Oooh, alright! Go hang out with your friend, you terrible child,’ he said, waving them away, ‘But I expect you to be back in the big top for show time, young lady! No excuses! And I expect you to treat Miss Zanotto to a ticket!’

Okay, young lady. That was definitely young lady. Lili was not losing it.

‘Okay, Dad,’ Raz said, trying to move away.

‘And she’ll have dinner with us afterwards! Your mother is going to _lose her mind._ ’

‘Yeah yeah!’ Raz called, and pulled Lili into one of the carriages, slamming the door shut behind him. He let out a breath, blowing up his bangs.

‘Sheesh, sorry Lili, it’s always such a…circus…here…’ he said, and then sniggered, ‘I mean metaphorically, not just literally. Anyway…err...make yourself comfortable!’

Lili restrained herself from asking where. Raz’s room was tiny, most of the space occupied by his bed and the stacks of _True Psychic Tales_ everywhere. And the 2005 True Psychic Tales Omnibus Edition poster of Sasha and Milla on the wall. Dweeb.

(She, personally, had upgraded to the 2006 Edition poster _months_ ago. Get with the times, Aquato.)

Floating a few comic books out of the way, Lili sat down on the bed.

This definitely looked like a boy’s room. Comic books everywhere, no pink or glitter or…

Okay, that was a skirt on the floor.

And a dress.

But then jeans? His jacket?

An issue of _Boy’s Guide to Burning Things_ …but then, she owned that too…

In fact, this didn’t look like a boy’s room. It looked like her closet. Just with no pink, no plants, and maybe a bit smellier.

_What the hell was going on?_

‘Huh? What do you mean what’s going on?’ Raz asked.

Crap.

‘Okay, Raz, just…’ she said, and took a deep breath, ‘What was going on back there?’

Raz rubbed the back of his (???) head, mouth twisting.

‘Seriously, Lili, I’m sorry, they uh – I mean, I’ve never really had real friends outside the circus before, so they got all excited…’

‘No, no I mean!’ Lili said, spluttering in a way that didn’t feel very like herself at all. She was Lili Zanotto. Cool, composed, okay, also very temperamental and snarky, so maybe not cool and composed. But. Smart. On top of things. Not made bewildered and hysterical by a few unexpected pronouns.

‘Huh? Pronouns?’

Lili took a breath. Restrained the urge to smack Raz for reading her mind (‘You’re thinking _really_ loud, Lili, how am I supposed to not!’). Calmed herself.

‘Just, back there, everyone was treating you like a girl.’

‘Well,’ he said, totally bewildered, ‘I am.’

‘Not last I knew about it!’

‘Well, duh.’

What. The hell. Was that meant to mean?

Lili pinched the bridge of her nose.

‘Raz, look, I – I’m just kind of confused,’ she said, racked her brain for every bit of patience and knowledge she had, ‘I mean, were you _lying_ about being a boy last time?’

That would…almost make sense? Maybe Raz had dressed as a boy to escape the circus more easily? To survive the hitchhike to Whispering Rock? Maybe? But then she’d kept it up, gotten _roomed_ with the boys? What girl in her right mind would want that?

‘Uh, no?’ Raz said, as though Lili had said something outrageously stupid, ‘It just changes sometimes with me, y’know?’

‘No, Raz, I don’t know! Has this never…’ Lili said, gesturing, ‘I – is this, like, a circus thing?’

‘Mmm…nah? Mom’s always said it’s a Raz thing,’ he – she continued, glancing back and forth, ‘I’m a guy most of the time but sometimes…I dunno? I’ve never really thought about it. I’ve just done it and then everyone’s like “Oh hey, that’s Raz! She’s here!” or “He’s here!”, I guess…’

Lili stared at him, the pieces finally clicking together in her head.

‘You move about a lot, right?’ she asked. 

‘Yeah. Always have. Kinda comes with being a travelling circus.’

‘And uh…you’ve never had any friends –‘

‘Hey, rude, that is _not_ what I said!’ she interrupted, sitting upright, ‘I said I haven’t had any _real_ friends. I’ve hung out with kids we met on the road before, but I’ve never had real friends. Not like – well. Y’know.’

Lili tried her best not to go pink at that, but was certain was failing. She twisted her friendship bracelet around her wrist.

‘Well…point is, you’ve never hung out with anyone long enough for this…this about you to become a thing, right?’ she said.

It made sense. Raz was…weirdly naïve sometimes. He – she didn’t even know leather was made from cows. Of course she’d never thought twice about this. Of course she hadn’t.

‘Is it? Like, is it a thing? I mean, I know it’s a thing that _exists_ but I’ve never really thought it was a…a thing, a thing,’ she said, beginning to speak more rapidly, ‘Not like the way being a psychic is a thing. For some people.’

Lili fell silent, pursing her lips.

‘I don’t know, Raz,’ she said, opting for honesty, ‘You’re the first person like this I’ve ever met but. Uh, I suspect for a lot of people…it might be a thing?’

‘…Oh. Well that sucks. And I feel kinda dumb for not figuring that out,’ she said, kicking her legs and picking at her skirt.

 ‘It doesn’t mean they’re right to make it a thing,’ she said. Raz scoffed.

‘I know _that_ ,’ she said, ‘Just kinda sucks to learn people are like that about even more than I thought. Eh. Guess they’ll just have to deal.’

Raz shrugged, leaning back on her bed. Lili stared at her.

She had to admit. Now that she was used to it, it felt surprisingly. Natural. To see Raz dressed like this, in a carriage like this, and referring to her like, well, _her._ She’d just gotten used to boy Raz and Psychonaut Raz, so girl Raz and circus Raz were surprises. But it wasn’t like any of them seemed wrong or anything. They were just lots of different bits of the same person. She saw into people's minds enough to know that was how it worked.

She glanced over at Raz, juggling a ball between her feet. As though that was the easiest thing in the world to do.

‘Hey, so, I thought you hated the circus?’ she said, quirking an eyebrow.

‘Eeeh…I guess I did, but after everything last year I realised I didn’t hate the circus, I just hated not being allowed to leave it, I guess? Now I know I’m not trapped, it’s kinda fun to be back now and then,’ she replied, catching the ball between her feet and sitting up, resting the ball on her lap, ‘It probably shouldn’t have took fighting a weird monster version of my Dad to work that out.’

Lili snorted.

‘Seriously. I cannot believe you were so convinced your Dad hated you. You’re such a drama queen.’

‘Hey! That was a serious conflict from the depths of my psyche! It was major character development for me. I had to overcome all that just with the strength of my heart.’

‘And your Dad coming to pick you up.’

‘Well! See if I fight a tank by myself next time! You guys can do that all by yourself,’ she huffed, and then glanced at her, uncharacteristically nervous, ‘So uuh…the thing. It’s a thing that’s fine with you, right?’

‘Of course it is, Raz,’ she said, ‘I’m just sorry I was so…slow to figure it out.’

‘I’m sorry I had no idea I needed to explain it,’ Raz replied, grinning, and popped open the bag in her lap, ‘Can I open my present now?’

‘Your birthday’s not until – oh, fine, you’re opening it, asking me was just for the sake of it, alright then.’

‘Oh, _awesome_ , I’ve been wanting to watch the _True Psychic Tales Animated Series_ for ages.’

‘You’ve never seen it before?’ Lili asked, as Raz began popping open the DVDs, inspecting the discs.

‘Not the remastered versions!’ she continued, and then pulled out the next gift, ‘And! A, uh! Plant…thing. Neat.’

Lili rolled her eyes, taking the potted plant from Raz’s grip.

‘It’s a Daydreaming Aloe. They’re hard to kill, easy to communicate with. Great starter plant for someone totally clueless with herbaphony.’

‘I’m guessing that someone is me.’

‘You guessed right, genius.’

Raz grinned at her, a totally goofy, slightly smug expression that Lili never knew if she found more annoying or endearing.

‘Sooo…I probably have an hour before I need to be in hair and make-up,’ Raz said.

‘Uh-huh.’

‘Aaaand I stole my older brother’s portable DVD player the other day…’

‘Yeah?’

‘So…are you up for an hour of the remastered _True Psychic Tales Animated Series_?’

‘Raz,’ Lili said, lying on her stomach, ‘I thought you’d never ask.’

**Author's Note:**

> Hey remember in 2006 when a portable DVD player was the _apex of technology_? Remember when people watched DVDs at all? Wild.


End file.
